I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
