margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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