Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
