grandma shit on top of the toilet
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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