dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
