Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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