I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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