I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
