There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
