Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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