Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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