She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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