saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm both gender and math confused
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
