Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
