I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
