Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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