my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
