I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
