Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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