Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Randomize
