also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
