So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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