Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
