Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
