He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
