forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Randomize
