Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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