her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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