Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
