i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
