I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Randomize
