The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize