Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
