mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
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