So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
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I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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