Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
