Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I queefed so loud it echoed.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
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