Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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