I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
