That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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