I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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