I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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