You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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