I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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