People with herpes should wear stickers.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
