I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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