never play flip cup with pint glasses
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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