I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
