my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
