i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
