I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
