Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
