dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
