Umm I'm too high to move.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
