dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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