So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
